Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Autism & Motherly Emotions

Yesterday we went to another appointment at the naturopath.  We found out that we will begin a process of reintroducing all the foods that Matthan has reactions to one by one.  This will tell us what his reaction is to that particular food; for example - maybe an orange will give him a stuffy nose, as to a piece of beef will send him in a tailspin of meltdowns - so an orange maybe okay here and there and the beef we would stay far away from.  This will be really helpful to know how he reacts to each food.  We are also going to do the organic acids testing for him, which will tell us a bit more of how his body is doing and processing things.  And as I've mentioned before that the cost to all of these tests, and supplements, diet changes, and vitamins is really a lot - but I'm amazed at how the Lord continues to provide for us and our every need.  Thank you Jesus!

So, on the way home from this appointment yesterday - we both felt very discouraged that it's not getting any easier yet - there's always something more to do.  And then the emotions came at me full speed ahead!  I cried so much on the way home, the tears streaming down my cheeks.  It doesn't often happen, but every once in a while I ask God "why? why me? why us? what did I ever do to deserve this? Why can't I have 3 typically developing children?" and of course I don't get immediate answers.  I feel so bad that autism and the search to help Matthan takes up so much of my time and my thoughts.  I feel like I miss out on the other children's milestones.  Recently as Hadassa is growing and changing there are the questions, were the boys like that?  And honestly it's really hard to remember Hadrian as a baby because I was just going through so much in the beginning of discovering something was wrong with Matthan.  So, it just puts a damper on things - autism.  It's really turned my world upside down - and is the furthest thing from what I ever expected I would have to journey through.  Even now as I'm trying to get my thoughts down - I tear up because I long for my baby - Matthan - to be back as he was.  This is my prayer - that the Lord would heal him.  In the car ride home I just kept having that chorus line "I surrender all, all to thee my blessed saviour I surrender all" run over and over in my head.  It is hard to surrender!  A little later after I dropped Jair off at work I was listening to the song Healing is in your hands  by Christy Nockels this is such a powerful song to me lately.  (Scroll down to the bottom of the page to hear the song)  I realized two things in this song yesterday; one was that as much as Matthan needs healing from autism, I need healing in my heart.  My heart is broken, broken for my son, broken from my dreams and ideals - I need Jesus to heal my heart.  The other thing I realized is that the healing for Matthan is in the Lord's hands!  Not mine - and I will do all that I can do, to help Matthan, to heal his body, to make him healthy - but no matter what I do or don't do - it's Jesus that can heal him if and when he chooses.  What that realization does is bring freedom to a degree to myself.  I don't have to carry around the burden of trying so hard on something that only He can do.  I will and do fervently ask Him for healing, but it's up to him. 

This afternoon I read the first chapter of  Traveling Light by Max Lucado.  I've read this book before a number of years ago - it was good then and today it spoke to me again.  The first chapter gives analagoys of traveling and packing and trying to deal with all these heavy bags and luggage - and in life, we have luggage too, burdens. "The suitcase of guilt. A sack of discontentment.  You drape a duffel bag of weariness on one shoulder and a hanging bag of grief on the other.  Add on a backpack of doubt, and overnight bag of loneliness, and a trunk of fear"  "Come to Me" he invites "all who are weary and carry heavy burdens and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28 NLT  Then Max goes on to quote the 23rd psalm and today verse 3 jumped off the page "3 He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness For His name’s sake."  Yes, Jesus restore my soul!  The last part of that verse also was intriguing me "For His name's sake" I've kind of been thinking about this lately too - maybe all of this, these specific trials and heart wrenching times, the challenges we face in having a child with autism, all of it, is for Him....On the other side of my heartache and tears yesterday - I stand here and pray Lord, all for you, all for Your glory.  May my life be pleasing to you.  How I deal with my challenges, with my children and family.  As well as today I realize again that I don't have "it" as bad as some do.  My life is good.  My child who does have autism, is a really good kid!  He has so much going for him.  There are others who have autism or who have children with autism and life is much harder for them.  I am thankful that God does not give me more than I can handle!

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